Friday, May 18, 2012

I'm not satisfied just to finish, I'm in this for Kona

So here we are.  Wednesday I decided to do the Ironman Buffalo Spring 70.3.  I have to say it is a huge relief to have a plan.  I was agonizing back and forth on olympic or 70.3.  I want to do the 70.3, but could I be competitive, was I better off doing the Olympic and have a chance of placing?

Those questions no longer matter, I'm in this thing.  I'm going to push until I have nothing left.

This decision came at the right time.  I would say I pride myself on my mental drive.  I've won 1st female in races that I did not have the fitness for, I was just willing to suffer more.  I nearly puked and passed out after my half marathon, but I gave it everything I had.  While I realize that is just the last leg of a triathlon, I'm proud of holding steady and then pushing until I had nothing left at the end, when all I wanted to do was slow down.  I was spending too much energy trying to decide what I wanted to do and not enough on my training. 

I couldnt get my head in the game, I didnt miss any of my workouts, and I didnt loose intensity, but I wasnt feeling that unfailing determination and conviction that I can perform.  I was doubting myself, performing regardless, but it was painful.  I went on a run with a group of runners that I always regarded as too fast, and while they could beat me in any race there is no reason I couldnt keep up in training.  But I had it in my head I wouldnt be able to, and guess what it was painful trying.  I had two options to run home, another 1.5 miles with the group or take the other way around and run on my own.  I chose to run on my own, I didnt think I could keep up, I gave myself an out with the bike and swim fatigue, I gave in mentally.  I ran home, it was a hard pace, but I kept thinking about how I was just trying to keep up when I was with them.  Well shit I looked at what they ran the rest of the time, I could have kept up most of the way. Damn. 

Then I signed up for Ironman Buffalo Spring 70.3.  Its time to go,its time to push, no more excuses, I only have 3 weeks to build I have to lay it all out here.  No more coping out, every workout is a key one, no quitting early.  That lit a fire under my ass. 

I have felt unstoppable since.

I scoped out the competition, I found out what it will take to win this, what it will take to get to Kona.  Now I know what I have to do, and I have been bursting with energy since.  I'm looking forward to every workout, each one is a chance to get faster, to push harder and get to that point of pain that means something good is happening.  I'm not there yet, but I will be.  It sounds cocky to say I have a chance at Kona on my first triathlon, but if I didnt believe it I wouldnt be out there before the sunrise pushing myself to my limits.  I'm not in this just to finish, maybe it will end with me being humbled, having not paid my dues.  Either way I'm in this, I will finish, I will race smart, I'm sure there will be some suffering, but I'm going for it with everything I have.

3 weeks until taper, I will live and breathe triathlon.  I will pay in sweat, burning legs and lungs.  I will recover and stay  healthy.  3 weeks, to become the best I can.  Then its time to see what this body can do.  It amazes me every day, now that I have my mental fight back I can be confident I will be competitive.  If I dont win first in AG, I am going to make the women that does fight for it the whole way.  I'm not satisfied just to finish.

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